I remember the warmth and peace when I was about to fall asleep watching late night television with my mom:
I remember how loneliness would wash over my small body when she was at work at night and my sister was at a friend’s house and the house would be cloaked in darkness, with only the eerie gray glow of the television flickering in the house:I remember being scared of my father and being scared for my brothers and sisters when he was let loose, coming home from treating patients only to become the thing that causes people to seek the psychological repairs he offered to those who paid- but not us: I remember the stable for my “My Little Pony” collection and how excited I was to get it for my 5th birthday:I remember the salon that followed a couple months later for Christmas where I would wash and brush their shiny pastel hair and think to myself how lucky I was.
I remember wanting to be a lawyer.
I remember wanting to be a veterinarian.
I remember wanting to be an actress.
I remember wanting to be an abstract expressionist
and then a writer
and I remember
being incredibly fearful
I would never find my purpose.
remember dreaming about the Indonesian tsunami before it happened and the grief I experienced when I awoke and heard the news:I remember the first clairvoyant dream I had when I was twelve and my sister brought home a mini case of Marlboros that contained matches just like I had dreamt about a couple of days before:I remember the lights in the Mojave Desert that spoke to me, danced for me, and proved to me there is so much more than electro-magnetic media would have you believe:I remember the feeling of rejection that accompanied this experience, and others after, when I tried to relay it to friends and family.
I remember hitting my head on the crib and crawling through a crawl space in my old house, the smell of must and magic on the other side where my mother slept after a long night of work:I remember sitting on my brother’s plaid sheets atop his boxy wooden bed that was always a climb, playing “Sorry” with him when my mother came in and announced my grandfather’s death. At four I didn’t understand and went right back to playing the game, confused at my mother’s distant look in the doorway; her heart surely broken…
…And I remember something from ever since I can remember,
though the accompanying emotions are
worn away from time:
I remember the inborn feeling of being
A piece of light that goes on a slight downward slope and joins
whole of light
And I remember remembering the sensation of
Wholeness this brought
and how different it was than
all other memories
or even feelings…
and I remember at 4 on my parent’s bathroom with a very high fever and having the sensation that I was next
to something so large I could never comprehend it.